Happy New Year! A summary of the last twelve months.

First, best wishes to all for a safe, healthy and prosperous new year! When I say prosperous I don't necessarily mean money, but the kind of prosperity that makes us all better people and by extension creates a better world one person at a time, one day at a time. I think the world is only as poor as we each make it.

2008 was an interesting year in many ways for me. I broke out of my mold and decided to take some chances. Grabbing your balls and taking a leap of faith can be a very rewarding thing. While the end result of these things is a bit of a misnomer (because, really, along the line of time what ever really ends?) I can say with certainty that focusing on the moment and enjoying things as they occurred was a revelation and a joy to me. I had two perfect moments this year. In 40 years, those two would only add to a total of perhaps three. There were many more happy times as well, and I clearly recall when I stayed with those moments and simply allowed them to be I thought to myself, "My life is so good!" Those thoughts were as close to any truth I have ever known. Keeping that in mind, I can say with certainty that I have no regrets over the events of the past 12 months. What would be the point? A thing once done cannot be undone. We go on. We take another step. To stand still is to cease to truly live and to begin to simply exist. There's a universe of difference between the two. The necessity of continuing to step forward cannot be understated, if only to prevent stagnation. Yeah, that's only a small thing, right?

I think that if there were errors made this year by me (and trust me, there were! lol) it was in forsaking the process in an always vain attempt to control the outcome. I don't think there's anything wrong with anticipating the future so long as you do not give away the present. The obsessive nature of thoughts and actions that seek to manipulate the outcome of things (however well-intended, and it happens that way a lot I bet!) is a sickness that is exhausting, miserable and ultimately destructive on many levels, however common. I believe it stems from fear and a basic lack of trust in the general order of things. Despite the hopelessness we see and read about in the news, our individual choices are still our own. If there is any form of control in this life, it is in the things each of us decide to do. I personally learned this lesson first-hand in 2008.

Keeping that in mind, I simply seek this year to work on my own ability to let things go and let things be. At times this is not an easy thing. Without intending harm, we wish to possess, we wish to control. The heart wants what it wants is the old saying. But a thing clutched too tightly cannot breathe, and the anguish at the personal level of such an unhealthy exercise eliminates any possibilty of enjoying what it is we are attempting to hold. Is it not so? Let things unravel on their own, let go of fear and establish a little more trust in things. I hope for everyone this is a year of better choice and a little more faith!

Best wishes to all!

Mistakes???

The day starts an hour late but that's my fault. Work is offering a day without children but in substitution of this I have to attend a training at another school. I arrive an hour late for that and proceed to sit and listen for a few hours on a topic that didn't really apply to me. I sat with some people I didn't know until lunch, then decided to pack it in and leave. I've been home ever since. I'm curious and perhaps even a little concerned that my leaving early will be frowned upon, but I'm sure the right thing to say will occur to me tomorrow should it be thrown in my face.

Yesterday I called my local cable company to ask if they were offering any promotions and was told I could receive quite a few extra channels for six months for about a dollar more than I'm currently paying per month. I could also add HBO, Showtime and Starz to that list for about $15 dollars more a month. I politely turned both offers down because I simply am enjoying less time in front of the television. I read a bit more and I'm hitting the gym now to fill the time and that cluttered feeling that fills your brain from hours in front of the boob tube is no more. These are good things.

Today, I called the cable company back and took the first promotion that didn't really offer any movie channels but didn't quite quite a few more channels like BBC America, History International, Sundance, IFC and a few Encore channels. I caught myself sitting down for about an hour catching up on The Henry Rollins show but then forced myself to turn it off. It will be interesting to see if I can maintain the low level of television consumption I've gotten down to.

I'm considering putting pen to paper, so to speak. The topic would be a series of experiences that occurred earlier this year and to some extent continue to this day. I would have to discuss this with said parties first, though. I've talked and talked and talked about writing for years but it seems that I've never had too much to say, or I could never clear my brain enough to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I thought that perhaps a stable career step could provide the time to fix that. Now that I've begun, maybe it's finally time. I want to make a decision by the end of the week. As for the rest of my night, I think I'm going to clean my place a little.

No title...just a dispatch

There are moments when the residue of a previous experience can reach out, grab you, twist you quite painfully and give you a good shake to dispell any general illusions of control you may be harboring. I'm in the middle of that now and I'm contemplating what to do about it. I could just let it pass (like any 'episode', it usually does) until the next time, or I could do something about it. The latter idea is probably not good. The former isn't much fun either. That's my Saturday evening so far. I just got home from work.

On my way in today I saw an old acquaintance. She's a great woman, but unfortunately a professional victim and someone who will probably always be addicted to drama. There she was in the freezing cold, telling me she was in a hurry to catch a train. Instead of rushing around to be about her day, though, she was running into the local store to buy her douchebag boyfriend a pack of smokes. Then she was running back to deliver them, then she was going to attempt to catch her train, which I already knew she was way late for. What kind of man sends his girlfriend out in the freezing cold to buy his cigarettes when she doesn't even smoke, AND when she has to be somewhere on top of it?

On my way out of work tonight, I saw a really stupid lady standing at the bus stop in the freezing cold with a baby. She didn't have any shopping bags, so what the hell was she keeping a baby out in that cold for past ten o'clock? As I eyed her disapprovingly, she eyed my suspiciously. Then the big doofus dropped her wallet on the bus and had to ask a total stranger to watch her kid, who thank God was fast asleep as she panicked until she found it.

Sometimes this world feels like one giant nightmare to me.

The weekend is almost here and it's already planned out (or...NO FUN!)

Well, it's Friday morning and I'm running a bit late today but that's allright. After work today I head off into my other job and then I also grab another shift tomorrow. After almost 15 months I still enjoy working there and with my schedule to date it's just enough exposure to the holidays to cheer me without burning me out. I'm even putting up some decorations around my place.

If I'm lucky I'll have enough time to hit the gym twice in three days, finish my book, visit my family AND possibly get some rest. Writing this down I realize there's not a ton of social activity in there but that's ok. Busy is busy and most of it is time well spent. With the year I've had a little quite time does me good. Besides, who knows what may pop up suddenly? Oh, I also need to clean this rat's nest I've been living in. Ugh.

Ten lifetimes in nine months.

I wonder if my inability to write anything profound stems from my astounding proximity or lack thereof to true wisdom. I heard once that the difference between knowledge and wisdom is that wisdom is doing. In examining my actions I do note some moderate to good improvement in certain areas over the years but even at age 40 an amazing underdevelopment in others. I covered a lot of that underdeveloped ground over the past nine months. Some of it was bruising and ever dangerous by definition but I feel I know a thing or two that I didn't in March. I want to keep walking that walk. As the saying goes, the road is long and calls for company.

I can't be sure how much of this past year I'm going to detail here because it involves people I care about deeply and my desire to protect them transcends any other need. Fewer people, care more. I like that dynamic. I'm doing a quick mental inventory and moving forward from here.

The previous posts from this blog have been deleted. I don't see the need to hold onto them any longer. I'm simply no longer the same person. It doesn't mean I won't be returning to some of the things I've been away from, just that I have no further need for the old thinking.